LBT: LIES, BETRAYAL AND TRUST

Lies and Betrayal abuse trust...

Lie: telling a lie is the act/art of withholding the truth intentionally for whatever reason you see fit. We have 26 classification of lie which include: bad faith, barefaced lie, white lie, bullshit, bluffing, exaggeration, fabrication, jocose lie, polite lie, perjury, fib and 15 others. Each of the classes has the same end result regardless of the reason behind it; the whole truth is been withheld. The most common form of lie is the bad faith, defined by Sartre as 'lying to oneself'. Although other classes are equally interesting to talk about, for the sake of this article I  would concentrate on the common lie.

Summer 2005, I rekindled friendship with a girl I have known for 9 years. We would call her Jane. As the days flew by and weeks turned to months I found myself falling for her deeply. I had a secret.  I was dating someone else, Anna who I thought I was in love with. There was a problem, I could not let any of the girls go. Sadly, the truth always has a way of coming out and at that when you least expect it. 7 months into dating Jane and 1 year with Anna, my luck ran out.

I had done a very good job of erasing every doubt they both shared until the weekend my friend threw a party. The two girls came over to the house. One had to stay upstairs in the guest living room, the other in the guest room downstairs and for 5 hours I shuttled both worlds. Desperate and on the verge of risking exposure but bent on keeping them both,I did not give up.

 The after party was in 5 hours but I did not mention the name of the club we were to party and made sure I convinced Anna to go home early. I had two phones and both girls didn’t have the same number or the two numbers, no special caller tone, I always had to take my memory card out of my phone whenever I was with Anna or Jane, always erased my call logs and deleted my SMS. On my way upstairs to meet Anna, it flashed through my mind. Was it worth it? The stress? The lies? I had fallen in love with Jane already. I was going to confess to Anna, and I did. Unknown to me, I was followed upstairs by Jane; a cute gesture in a normal world but there was nothing normal about this situation. She heard all I told Anna and felt used. I had lied to her about my relationship with Anna on several occasions, sometimes even calling Anna my cousin then my family friend then my best friend and I had broken her cycle of trust. Needless to say, I lost both of them that day. 

Betrayal: is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations

CASE 1: March 2006. Still single and nursing the loss of my girlfriends especially Jane, that I was completely in love with, I found a rebound. I was desperate and I needed someone to erase the memories I had of my ex. Mary (not real name) was concerned about the rush to date seeing that I was still completely hung up on my ex. I reassured her of my devotion and we began dating. 6 weeks into the relationship, like every horny youth, sex was all I could think about. I had waited 4 weeks, 4 long weeks of sleeping with a hard on and no relief. I tried every trick in the book to get Mary to have sex with me, she refused. On our 2months anniversary, Mary sent me a text "baby it’s been 2months of happiness and everything in between, I love you very much and I can’t wait to see you. Surprise surprise". My eyes read it as "baby I love you but you are not getting any nookie tonight, maybe a BJ would suffice if you act right" NEVER!! Not tonight, I was not going to sleep with a hard on. So I made plans with another girl. She wasn’t even half as beautiful as Mary but I needed to get laid. Everything set up and going when my phone starts ringing. Its Mary calling. Oh my, just when I am about to get laid? I tossed the phone under my bed and went back to hitting whatever it was I was hitting. In the middle of hittng it, there's a knock on my door, a female voice called, 'baby it’s me'. Mary’s voice almost sent me to my grave. 'Baby hurry up' and like in the movies I was confused for a bout 5minutes. This girl I was getting freaky with had to go, fly, evaporate or disappear.

In that moment I realized how much I loved my girlfriend and I was about to lose her for sex? So I asked the girl I was getting it in with to go to the toilet to wait up. Thinking Mary would just come in, give me a kiss and we would be on our way out, besides she showed up 4 hours too early! With the new girl and her clothes in the bathroom, I brushed my teeth, got dressed and killed the room with the scent of Christian Lacroix all in 6minutes. Then I opened the door for Mary. Standing in front of me was this extra sexy girl I had never seen before. Hair packed all back just the way I like it, no excess make up on, just red lipstick with a little powder on. She comes in and I lock my door, all the while praying she would not enter the bathroom. I turned around my girlfriend had only the sexiest lingerie I have ever seen on.  'Baby I am so sorry for making you wait this long' she cooed, 'I just wanted to be sure that you really loved me'. I totally forgot about the girl in the bathroom and decided to consummate my relationship for the first time.

 The truth always has a way of coming out. First a used condom wrapper on the bed, quickly hid it. Suddenly she stops kissing me to call her friend to let her know she won't be coming over to school that night. Super excited that she was staying over I beckoned her to make the call so we can go back to consummating activities. She dialled the number and the sound of the ringtone was coming from my bathroom. Picture the next 24 scenes. The end.

Trust: this involves a trustor and the trustee.

 It can be well described as a situation where a trustor is willing to rely on the words and actions of the trustee without having any control of how the trustor acts or behaves; but is willing to undermine any uncertainty with hopes and expectations that the trustee would deliver.

In plain English, trust lost cannot be gotten back in the same measure. You cannot deny its existence but you can really say how much. Lies and betrayal affect the cycle process of trust. In fact that is the easiest way to lose trust. The end result sometimes would be you losing the person you care about the most. I am not saying no one is above mistakes. Sure you would lie a little to protect yourself and the person you love but do you ever consider you are making a choice for them already? Don’t you think they might just want to hear the truth instead?

A simple lie of 5minutes can destroy what it took you 20 years to build. Lies have broken relationships, friendships and marriages. In the end, for whatever reason you have, telling the truth is always the best way to go.

It is not in your power to protect the people you care about with lies, they would almost always appreciate it if you come out clean. No one enjoys been lied to. Often time we find out that attention is shifted from the offence and the 'lie' becomes the main concentration. I strongly believe that people who use lies (as an excuse) to protect the people they love are just protecting themselves.

In the end, Lies can actually cause physical pain. The saga continues……