Friday, 22 June 2012


Long distance relationship or LDR as it is often called has been a major problem in relationships as they often say love needs presence to grow and blossom, then again contradictory to that statement  absence makes the heart grow fonder. So does that imply LDR can be successful with the absence of your significant other? does their absence make you appreciate them better? Statistics have shown that most young relationships end prematurely due to LDR, if i am allowed to be frank, LDR is just fucking hard to be honest but with the aid of modern technology, old ways of communication has been made obsolete. In the 18th century, LDR was seen to be the strength and growth of young lovers and love, as partners turned into love poets writing love letters and sending it with trained doves as carriers and some sometimes a message in a bottle, How romantic would that have been now? and No you can not keep the dove as a pet. I remember in the early 2000's, emails and yahoo messenger chat was the fastest way to reach a loved one across borders. overnight chats and special messages with sounds, short videos and images and then it got better, mobile phones became an asset as well and now we have BBM and Skype video call which allows you to chat and send voice notes, more also see your significant other and talk to them as well. So if there is constant communication, what then is the problem of LDR? Do people just assume once your significant other is half across the world, your relationship is bound to fail? Sometimes they end the relationship without even trying. Here is the truth, LDR is not meant for everyone, some people have the gift of making it work regardless of the distance while others, not so lucky. What are the problems of LDR?
Communication, this the basis of every relationship. In LDR, constant communication is required as it helps both parties stay in-touch with each other and be involved in each others lives. Although constant communication can never be enough especially when the person involved is accustomed to being with their partner physically even with the constant texting which has its disadvantage of your finger tips hurting or constant phone calls which can incur bills or Skype calls which sometimes you may just fall asleep half way through the conversation because you have had a long day at work or school and all you want is to just sleep or even time different time zones (morning at your end and past midnight at your significant other), days where you are swamped with work or have a busy schedule so you keep the conversations short and precise. Communication in LDR is very tricky, you can never do it enough. It does not replace their presence and can not make up for absence either but most times if the relationship started off as LDR, it is easy for both parties to nurture their love and perfect it by just communicating with each other because that is all they have for now and that is all they know. bottom line, it takes real effort in spite of communication barriers to make it work.
Insecurity, this can not be over emphasized enough as even healthy non LDR are also affected. This is a situation where the significant feels less active in their partner's life and they are scared someone else is playing the same role they once had. With miles apart from each other, it is hard not to think someone else somewhere is filling your shoes and making your loved one more happy with their presence that can lead to paranoia where you begin to imagine situations that do not exist, you call their phones several times and when no answer or response, your brain just assumes they are with other people or you call them and you over hear a voice in the background, he/she is out with someone else... ever considered that could be their boss, family relative or just a casual friend? Paranoia kills everything living, especially relationships.
Lack of trust, this is the key to every relationship as trust strengthens the confidence you have in your significant other. Once trust is broken it takes ages to get it back and in most cases you never get it back at all. In LDR, trust is also an issue because distance plays its role by separating you from the person you care about then you start to worry if they are doing the right thing or not, like i said earlier, paranoia comes into play, where you are over analytical about everything they say, suspicious of every move they make and sometimes build up emotional walls in other to strengthen yourself in expectation for the worst that may lead to doing things you might end up regretting. with trust in LDR, behavioural patterns and dating history are factors that you may consider. if your significant other has a long history of being flirtatious then worrying is almost expected because you begin to question their loyalty whenever they are in company with the opposite sex, you call them more than often to check if you would catch them off guard and that may lead to a strain in your relationship. as long as you can not trust your partner, you can not make the relationship work.
LDR sometimes act as a prelude to a breakup because being separated from your significant other and the efforts to keep things going may become over bearing and the only right thing to do is to end it in a subtle way by letting distance give it a natural death. Ending a normal relationship may seem too difficult and emotional to do, so when a partner is separated for too long from the significant other, letting them go would not be hard to do as they slowly warm up to their environment losing everything that reminded them of what they had.
Expectations may also differ in LDR and that also may cause a problem for the people involved. Different expectations may create difficulty in making the relationship work as one partner may put all their effort into it and can not wait to reunite with their significant other while the other partner may see it as another chance to try something new and be open to new experience. More also, one partner may see the need to talk to their significant other every hour of the day and their partner may see the need to talk to them few days in a week. You and your partner's expectation must or should be the same so it does not leave one person expecting more than the other person can give.
I have mentioned few of the major problems with LDR and now some solutions, although most LDR's are not built to last but it is the effort to make it work that counts. In the problems of LDR also lies the solution. Communicate as much as possible from BBM, Emails, Text, Calls, Skype video calls, tweets though the conversations sometimes may seem scripted and other times boring but at some point you can not deny the comfort you feel from hearing from each other. Calls can incur ridiculous phone bills, you can spice things up by leaving lovely voice mails or sending voice notes as well so they hear your voice at random moments when they do not even expect to. You can send pictures and videos as well.
Trust is the key. Learn to trust your partner even when you have doubts which is almost normal to happen in every relationship, re assurance of their devotion is never a waste. Lack of trust and jealousy go hand in hand, you should understand with a new environment your partner would have to socialise more, make new friends, hang out more to feel at home. You dont expect them to stop living just because they are in a LDR. Drama is no no!!! repeat after me: drama is a no no! Do not be too over trusting by acting naive about everything going on in your relationship but at the same time do not be over suspicious. here is a quick one, do not do anything your partner would not be pleased about.
As much as branding is seen as a cheeky move and by branding i mean giving your partner a personal item that belongs to you with a sentimental attachment to it. This also helps, even though the distance separates you from your partner, they still have something to remind them of you. Personal item can either be their favorite wrist watch, jewelery, perfume or a shirt that has their body scent. it does not replace their presence but helps in dealing with the absence.
Always stay positive even when things are not going well, stay positive and keep an open mind. Never expect the worst or play God or assume anything. stay positive.
Do not limit yourself to the laws of LDR.... break it. challenge yourself by trying to be among the few  people who have made it work despite been far apart. In the end, all that matters is how much effort you are willing to put into it to make it. Your effort counts and if it is not meant to be.... You tried your best to make it work with no regrets. To people in LDR, stay strong and stay positive!!

No comments:

Post a Comment